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Well that song seems quite appropriate after the weekend I had, and the way I'm still feeling at the moment... To sum both up in one word...
Shit.
Yup that's the one... but wait, just in case you don't know which song I'm on about, here are the words:
Smile, though your heart is aching.
Smile, even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky, you get by if you smile.
Through your fears and sorrow, smile.
And maybe tomorrow you'll see the sun come shining through for you.
Light up your face with gladness.
Hide every trace of sadness, although a tear may be ever so near.
That's the time you must keep trying.
Smile, whats the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile, if u just smile.
That's the time you must keep on trying.
Smile, what's the use of crying.
You'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just smile.
Smile.
Just smile.
So yeah, I never really thought about that song much before, but it really is a big act... It's like on the weekend, and during this week, when you feel like shit, but hey there is no real point telling people about it, or even commenting, so you just try and act like you are tired or something and that's why you are acting weird.. I haven't quite managed the whole smiling thing, but I think the tired approach works well enough anyway. I know I'm contradicting myself by saying "there's no point telling people about it" and then writing it on here, but I suppose if I write it down it will get rid of the whole "oh I'm so sad and nobody cares" thing, which has been annoying me, cause I hate people who act like that and now I am! Grrrr..

I hate when you hope that something will never happen to you, or that you will never feel/be like that, and then after a little while you realize you are like that.. I think I do that a lot, I sort of say "oh I never want to act like that person" and then a couple of weeks later I catch myself doing it.. I know it's hypocritical in a way, but in another way it's not... Are you only hypocritical if you criticise someone about something, then do it... or can you be hypocritical if you see someone doing something and hope that you will never do that, then you do? If the latter is also being hypocritical then I must be the hypocrit of the century.. I don't know!

I have always said that if you don't aim high you will never be dissapointed, but I've never believed it.. I've always made myself aim high, because I DON'T want to be just an ordinary person... I see what my parents are like, and my mum is saying about how she's reached the point where you think "shit is this all there is?".. I never want to be saying that, I never want to have regrets.. I suppose that saying of I want to reach my goals or die trying seems quite appropriate.. The only problem is that people also say that the highs come with the lows, the bigger the highs the bigger the lows, and I won't complain about having a crap life, or that I'm in anyway badly off.. It's just I have the natural trait of human jealousy, and when I'm competing (cause that is what I'm mainly talking about here, not school or something stupid like that) I see people who don't seem to get the lows.. It might be my imagination, but this year just seems to feel like a big low, in some ways it has been great, but when I was thinking about the general pattern it just seems to be a low... I know it's stupid to say that other people don't get the lows, I'm sure they do, I just don't see them.. everyone else sees my lows, for example this weekend..

I suppose the other thing I have to say is how much people have to learn to appreciate their friends and anyone who helps them.. "don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?" springs to mind... I have spent about 18 months relying on a certain person always being there for me, they have never let me down, and yet this weekend they couldn't help me.. i think that's what made me feel like i had crashed to rock-bottom, not any of the other stuff that was going on... I also owe a huge thankyou to some people who helped, I didn't realize how much until I got home, and now I feel like crap for not thanking them.. It's just they still couldn't help as much as Gendy, I swear I just needed her.. I'm not saying she is slack, she couldn't help, and I understand that.. I just felt soooo lonely and stuck and had no idea what to do and just wanted to curl up and cry my heart out... but i didn't, and in a way I'm glad, because that is just stupid, and in a way im not glad because I still feel like shit now, when if i had just curled up i would probably feel ok by now.

OK this is just a whole lot of mopey crap.. so there is no point continuing, cause now it just sounds like I'm an attension seeking freak.. so tata and sorry for all the rambling! Just learn to be grateful for your friends, and the people who help you, cause one day they might not and you will feel like shit too!

Oh and sorry about all the "shit"s... :)