Denial
I think I had an epiphany today! lol not quite, but I had a realization I guess you'd call it. I realized that for about the last year or two I have been living in denial. This didn't come as a surprise, and despite the fact that I've now realized it, my attitude hasn't changed in the least.
Today my grandmother came to talk to my mum as she usually does. They were discussing my uncle who has been in hospital for what they think is cancer. This will be the third time he's had it. He had it once when he was six, not sure what type.. He's now around 35 or so and he had a thyroid tumour a few months ago (wouldn't have a clue how to spell it, it's in your throat)... He also had his shoulder playing up then, but now they think he has cancer again in his shoulder on the nerve. I'll admit that's pretty damn tough, I mean to have had cancer three times before you're forty.. Needless to say my grandmother thinks he is going to die, actually a lot of people do, I mean how many people have cancer this many times and survive it? Anyway this isn't the point, it's the background of the situation... SO back to the beginning, my grandmother was over to talk (actually she still is) anyway I just walked through to get to the pantry, while im in there i hear them both crying (my mum and my grandmother), so I stay in the pantry and pretend I'm looking for food in the noisiest packet possible.. They slow down a bit and as they do the dogs start barking so I take my opportunity and go out onto the veranda..
Now this made me realize that I have been acting as though this wasn't happening.. I mean now that I realize I don't feel like I care any more.. I like my uncle, he's my favourite relative on my dad's side... But it doesn't seem to me like he is going to die, and if he does, would it really make any difference to me? My grandfather died years ago and my mum told me.. and I had been having nightmares about it, but then mum told me, and i didn't really care. I don't mean I was happy he had died, but I didn't really feel any different.. I cried because I forced myself to, but really it just didn't matter to me all that much. Now there's the chance that my uncle will die and I think I'm having the same thing, I don't feel anything at all.
In this I also realized I've been the same about my parents splitting up and us having no money. I don't feel any different knowing that we could lose the house, that we're probably going to have to move to some really cheap and crap suburban place.. It just doesn't effect me. My dad moved out around christmas and I couldn't care less. He and mum were both crying and acting like I should be upset, but what should I be upset about? It didn't surprise me, and since he's moved out it's been no different except that he doesn't annoy me as much.
I always deny stuff, like my mum will spend hours on the phone to her friends, and half of it she'll spend complaining about dad, or being all upset about it... And she whispers, like I don't know what she's talking about.. Point is I do, but it doesn't effect me at all.. I just sit and do my homework and pretend I can't hear what she is saying.. I don't care, and I don't feel any sympathy for her at all.. Which makes me wonder, when am I going to feel something? Is it just waiting for me in one big hit later down the track? Maybe I'm catching every emotion in a net and just storing it away for later, but one day the net will burst and I'll have to feel everything I've ignored... Then again maybe not! I've always been a person that imagines how sad they would be when someone or something dies, then when it happens I'm not sad at all.. Maybe I really do have no compassion.
Lol ok i'll finish my rambling now, I'm not trying to be all philosophical, or even have a bitch about things, I'm just curious... Cause I think other people feel things a lot more than I do, and even though I wouldn't call it a little bubble of happiness, I feel like I'm in a bubble, maybe just a bubble of nothingness. Anyways that's my tale about being in denial, or what I'm going to call denial cause I have no better word for it!
Today my grandmother came to talk to my mum as she usually does. They were discussing my uncle who has been in hospital for what they think is cancer. This will be the third time he's had it. He had it once when he was six, not sure what type.. He's now around 35 or so and he had a thyroid tumour a few months ago (wouldn't have a clue how to spell it, it's in your throat)... He also had his shoulder playing up then, but now they think he has cancer again in his shoulder on the nerve. I'll admit that's pretty damn tough, I mean to have had cancer three times before you're forty.. Needless to say my grandmother thinks he is going to die, actually a lot of people do, I mean how many people have cancer this many times and survive it? Anyway this isn't the point, it's the background of the situation... SO back to the beginning, my grandmother was over to talk (actually she still is) anyway I just walked through to get to the pantry, while im in there i hear them both crying (my mum and my grandmother), so I stay in the pantry and pretend I'm looking for food in the noisiest packet possible.. They slow down a bit and as they do the dogs start barking so I take my opportunity and go out onto the veranda..
Now this made me realize that I have been acting as though this wasn't happening.. I mean now that I realize I don't feel like I care any more.. I like my uncle, he's my favourite relative on my dad's side... But it doesn't seem to me like he is going to die, and if he does, would it really make any difference to me? My grandfather died years ago and my mum told me.. and I had been having nightmares about it, but then mum told me, and i didn't really care. I don't mean I was happy he had died, but I didn't really feel any different.. I cried because I forced myself to, but really it just didn't matter to me all that much. Now there's the chance that my uncle will die and I think I'm having the same thing, I don't feel anything at all.
In this I also realized I've been the same about my parents splitting up and us having no money. I don't feel any different knowing that we could lose the house, that we're probably going to have to move to some really cheap and crap suburban place.. It just doesn't effect me. My dad moved out around christmas and I couldn't care less. He and mum were both crying and acting like I should be upset, but what should I be upset about? It didn't surprise me, and since he's moved out it's been no different except that he doesn't annoy me as much.
I always deny stuff, like my mum will spend hours on the phone to her friends, and half of it she'll spend complaining about dad, or being all upset about it... And she whispers, like I don't know what she's talking about.. Point is I do, but it doesn't effect me at all.. I just sit and do my homework and pretend I can't hear what she is saying.. I don't care, and I don't feel any sympathy for her at all.. Which makes me wonder, when am I going to feel something? Is it just waiting for me in one big hit later down the track? Maybe I'm catching every emotion in a net and just storing it away for later, but one day the net will burst and I'll have to feel everything I've ignored... Then again maybe not! I've always been a person that imagines how sad they would be when someone or something dies, then when it happens I'm not sad at all.. Maybe I really do have no compassion.
Lol ok i'll finish my rambling now, I'm not trying to be all philosophical, or even have a bitch about things, I'm just curious... Cause I think other people feel things a lot more than I do, and even though I wouldn't call it a little bubble of happiness, I feel like I'm in a bubble, maybe just a bubble of nothingness. Anyways that's my tale about being in denial, or what I'm going to call denial cause I have no better word for it!
MoNoPoLiSeD @ 3:57 pm
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