Past my bedtime..

No it's not really, but mum just went to bed, and I usually go at the same time as her. I don't know why. I don't mind being down here on my own or anything. It's just a habit really.

I'm missing all the people who have buggered off and left me here. Not in the "oh my god I can't live without them" sort of way.. It's more that I miss their humour, and spending a whole day at Wilson's house watching stupid shows like Buffy, or going to the movies to watch stupid movies with Hilary Duff in them.. I don't know, and this isn't really making sense.

I guess I just didn't think about how much time I'm used to spending with people. At the moment the person I see the most is my mum, and we've never gotten along all that well. Not really. I never realised how much I needed other people to give me a break from her, a break from being at home and just being in a bad mood constantly. The part that sort of scares me is that I don't think even working will change that. I got a 'taste' of independence in my two months away and I loved it. I loved not having to deal with my mum's constant complaining about things that don't really concern me, or her accusing me of things I didn't do. I can survive on my own, without her, and for some reason I thought that she would have changed as much as I did in those two months. I guess I'm just disappointed that she didn't.

I feel bad for complaining about my mum. I feel like a spoiled child. A line from a book I once read keeps going around in my head. One of the characters was having a dummy spit because they didn't want to have lessons from a man who was staying alive just to teach him. The character was going on about how he didn't choose to have lessons from the man and the other character who he's speaking with goes "no, but you're willing to take what he's offering". That's exactly what I'm doing. I'm not willing to put up with my mum and her complaining, but I'm willing to let her help me reach where I want to go. Every time I get angry at her it just keeps going around "you're willing to take what she's offering... you're willing to take what she's offering.." etc, but it doesn't help, I still get angry at her.

I think before I became friends with Wilson and Steph I used to take myself so seriously, and take everything that happened to me so seriously. The last two years have been so good. I'm not saying I miss school, I just miss having them around, and them teaching me to laugh about things. I get so angry at the moment, and about the most stupid things. I know that I always used to, but my friends gave me a break from it, and it took me longer to get angry. Now it's just constant. I tell myself to stop, and I tell myself to not take it seriously but I can't control it.

I don't even know why I'm writing this on here. By tomorrow I'll regret it, so I think I'll stop now, but before I do:

Thankyou so much you guys and I miss you, and one day I will actually remember to send those things I was meant to mail over a week ago.

tata