blakjflaj

"If it makes you happy
then why the hell are you
so sad?"

Good question, Watson, good question.

Once again I'm up after my mother has gone to bed. I wasn't actually planning to this time. In fact I was just coming in to sign out of MSN when Steph popped up, so now I'm talking to her.

I've been thinking. Maybe it's not so great knowing exactly what you want to do with your life. I keep hearing people complaining about not knowing, but they have a choice, they have time to make that choice. I know it sounds contradictory, knowing what you want to do leaves you with no choice, but it's sort of true. I've been thinking lately, if I didn't have horses I would love to go to uni, maybe in Adelaide or Melbourne and live there. I would love to travel somewhere. I would love to do a course in psychology, or english, or a course in teaching, not because I actually want to teach in a school, but because it interests me. I want to do a masters in something.

"maybe [I'm] just like my mother
she's never satisfied"

Yup, that's me, I'm never satisfied. I won't be satisfied with my riding until I compete for Australia in the Olympics or the WEG (world equestrian games), I won't be happy with my knowledge until I've learnt everything there is to learn. I won't be happy with myself until... ever?

OK so because I'm feeling so open and honest at the moment, I'll admit something. I'm afraid of mediocrity. I'm afraid of never reaching my goals, but I'm also afraid of aiming too low and not reaching what I'm capable of. I'm afraid of dying without people knowing what I lived for. I'm afraid of not living for anything worthwhile. I'm afraid of not leaving any more behind me than some disintegrating remains which will eventually smell and be eaten by worms and maggots.

I'm afraid of just being forgotten, and I'm afraid of having nobody to blame for that but myself.

I'm afraid that this fear will just keep growing and growing, and that soon I will be spending every night sitting in this stupid office crying to myself cause I'm just so damn scared.

This is so much more serious than I ever planned for this blog to become. I promised myself I would only write happy things on this blog, not whinge and whine.

I should be happy; both my horses went really well when I rode them today, mum and I didn't argue today (oh well i sort of snapped at her once, but that's nothing). Somehow every time I stay up late on my own everything just gets to me. I should stop doing it. I will try tomorrow night.

Anyway, I'm going to bed

Tata