"if the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads" -Antole France
I like that quote, it's sort of nice and pretty and friendly.
I have a whole pile of books that belong to Mrs McFadden.. I need to return them. Mr Gates accused me of not returning his books this morning, it wasn't very nice of him. Not nice at all. Cause I did. On a happier note, extension two was due this morning. In other words, I AM FINISHED WITH IT FOREVER!!!!! WHOOOOOOOO!!!!! I don't know that it was great (personally i dont like it very much at all, and that's not an im-trying-to-look-modest-while-really-fishing-for-compliments sort of thing. I just didn't like my concept.) I'm glad it's over. Never have to see mr gates again, well I have to SEE him, but i don't have to acknowledge him or have any sort of conversation with him.. isn't that great? I think so.
We got our english mark for our trials today. I'm not very happy. Actually I'm incredibly disappointed, which is new for me in terms of school. I don't deal well with disappointment. I think I have (reasonably) successfully mastered all other emotions, but disappointment I just can't handle. I can't hide it, I can't ignore it, it's just really really obvious.. even if people think I am just in a bad mood or something. I'm not. I'm disappointed. I've never been disappointed about an exam mark. I've never cared about them enough to be disappointed, and most of the time I get the mark i deserve (based on effort) or a little bit better than i deserve (which makes me feel guilty, but i can deal with that).. I did care about this english exam.. and even though I didn't expect top marks or anything like that, and I said i didn't expect good marks, I did. I was lying to myself when I thought I didn't expect a good mark. A lot of people know what I got in my king lear, so i'm not trying to say im disappointed about that one, I'm really happy with it... but I can manage happiness, and by managing it, and not managing disappointment i tend to forget my happiness. Which is the problem I have at the moment. I wanted to go and ask how to improve my marks, but to be honest I would almost be too scared to show anyone my other sections. I don't want them to see that absolute crap that I wrote. I also don't want to admit that I can't understand why I got a good mark for the Lear section. I can't remember why i wrote what i did, or what the question was or anything, it's just those stupid marks staring at me from the desk, and I can't escape them. I don't want people to think I did well cause of one section, I didn't, and I don't want people turning my usual comments back at me, the ones about school not mattering. It doesn't, it's never going to get me anywhere, but as pathetic and boastful as this sounds, with regards to school I am used to getting results that are comparable to the amount of effort I put in. And I put in heaps of effort. And now I feel like crap.
Stupid school. It's never done this to me before. I've never cared about it before and everything has been happy happy with it because I didn't care. Now I do care and it's not happy any more. I don't want to care about english. So why do I? I have no reason to. Not really. It's never going to get me anywhere being good at english.
But saying rational things like this doesn't make you feel any better. Knowing I shouldn't feel the way I do has never helped me to stop feeling that way. It is just a habit humans have of trying to rationalise their lives, so they can put all their emotions and issues into little boxes and pretend that that solves everything. Pscyhology isn't learning the way people think, it is learning how to teach people to think the way they should. The easy way so that they can feel in control of their own lives. As though the control over their own lives even matters. As though in the long run their ability to put things into little boxes is going to help anything. It's not. And I am just another person trying to do exactly the same thing, trying to blame psychology for my own habits and defects in character.
"The human race is a race of cowards and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner"-Mark Twain. It is so true. I am just as bad as all the people I have labelled.
OK well apparently my dad is visiting so I had better go pretend to do work so I won't have to communicate with him. Bye
I have a whole pile of books that belong to Mrs McFadden.. I need to return them. Mr Gates accused me of not returning his books this morning, it wasn't very nice of him. Not nice at all. Cause I did. On a happier note, extension two was due this morning. In other words, I AM FINISHED WITH IT FOREVER!!!!! WHOOOOOOOO!!!!! I don't know that it was great (personally i dont like it very much at all, and that's not an im-trying-to-look-modest-while-really-fishing-for-compliments sort of thing. I just didn't like my concept.) I'm glad it's over. Never have to see mr gates again, well I have to SEE him, but i don't have to acknowledge him or have any sort of conversation with him.. isn't that great? I think so.
We got our english mark for our trials today. I'm not very happy. Actually I'm incredibly disappointed, which is new for me in terms of school. I don't deal well with disappointment. I think I have (reasonably) successfully mastered all other emotions, but disappointment I just can't handle. I can't hide it, I can't ignore it, it's just really really obvious.. even if people think I am just in a bad mood or something. I'm not. I'm disappointed. I've never been disappointed about an exam mark. I've never cared about them enough to be disappointed, and most of the time I get the mark i deserve (based on effort) or a little bit better than i deserve (which makes me feel guilty, but i can deal with that).. I did care about this english exam.. and even though I didn't expect top marks or anything like that, and I said i didn't expect good marks, I did. I was lying to myself when I thought I didn't expect a good mark. A lot of people know what I got in my king lear, so i'm not trying to say im disappointed about that one, I'm really happy with it... but I can manage happiness, and by managing it, and not managing disappointment i tend to forget my happiness. Which is the problem I have at the moment. I wanted to go and ask how to improve my marks, but to be honest I would almost be too scared to show anyone my other sections. I don't want them to see that absolute crap that I wrote. I also don't want to admit that I can't understand why I got a good mark for the Lear section. I can't remember why i wrote what i did, or what the question was or anything, it's just those stupid marks staring at me from the desk, and I can't escape them. I don't want people to think I did well cause of one section, I didn't, and I don't want people turning my usual comments back at me, the ones about school not mattering. It doesn't, it's never going to get me anywhere, but as pathetic and boastful as this sounds, with regards to school I am used to getting results that are comparable to the amount of effort I put in. And I put in heaps of effort. And now I feel like crap.
Stupid school. It's never done this to me before. I've never cared about it before and everything has been happy happy with it because I didn't care. Now I do care and it's not happy any more. I don't want to care about english. So why do I? I have no reason to. Not really. It's never going to get me anywhere being good at english.
But saying rational things like this doesn't make you feel any better. Knowing I shouldn't feel the way I do has never helped me to stop feeling that way. It is just a habit humans have of trying to rationalise their lives, so they can put all their emotions and issues into little boxes and pretend that that solves everything. Pscyhology isn't learning the way people think, it is learning how to teach people to think the way they should. The easy way so that they can feel in control of their own lives. As though the control over their own lives even matters. As though in the long run their ability to put things into little boxes is going to help anything. It's not. And I am just another person trying to do exactly the same thing, trying to blame psychology for my own habits and defects in character.
"The human race is a race of cowards and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner"-Mark Twain. It is so true. I am just as bad as all the people I have labelled.
OK well apparently my dad is visiting so I had better go pretend to do work so I won't have to communicate with him. Bye
MoNoPoLiSeD @ 6:41 pm
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