"if the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads" -Antole France

I like that quote, it's sort of nice and pretty and friendly.

I have a whole pile of books that belong to Mrs McFadden.. I need to return them. Mr Gates accused me of not returning his books this morning, it wasn't very nice of him. Not nice at all. Cause I did. On a happier note, extension two was due this morning. In other words, I AM FINISHED WITH IT FOREVER!!!!! WHOOOOOOOO!!!!! I don't know that it was great (personally i dont like it very much at all, and that's not an im-trying-to-look-modest-while-really-fishing-for-compliments sort of thing. I just didn't like my concept.) I'm glad it's over. Never have to see mr gates again, well I have to SEE him, but i don't have to acknowledge him or have any sort of conversation with him.. isn't that great? I think so.

We got our english mark for our trials today. I'm not very happy. Actually I'm incredibly disappointed, which is new for me in terms of school. I don't deal well with disappointment. I think I have (reasonably) successfully mastered all other emotions, but disappointment I just can't handle. I can't hide it, I can't ignore it, it's just really really obvious.. even if people think I am just in a bad mood or something. I'm not. I'm disappointed. I've never been disappointed about an exam mark. I've never cared about them enough to be disappointed, and most of the time I get the mark i deserve (based on effort) or a little bit better than i deserve (which makes me feel guilty, but i can deal with that).. I did care about this english exam.. and even though I didn't expect top marks or anything like that, and I said i didn't expect good marks, I did. I was lying to myself when I thought I didn't expect a good mark. A lot of people know what I got in my king lear, so i'm not trying to say im disappointed about that one, I'm really happy with it... but I can manage happiness, and by managing it, and not managing disappointment i tend to forget my happiness. Which is the problem I have at the moment. I wanted to go and ask how to improve my marks, but to be honest I would almost be too scared to show anyone my other sections. I don't want them to see that absolute crap that I wrote. I also don't want to admit that I can't understand why I got a good mark for the Lear section. I can't remember why i wrote what i did, or what the question was or anything, it's just those stupid marks staring at me from the desk, and I can't escape them. I don't want people to think I did well cause of one section, I didn't, and I don't want people turning my usual comments back at me, the ones about school not mattering. It doesn't, it's never going to get me anywhere, but as pathetic and boastful as this sounds, with regards to school I am used to getting results that are comparable to the amount of effort I put in. And I put in heaps of effort. And now I feel like crap.

Stupid school. It's never done this to me before. I've never cared about it before and everything has been happy happy with it because I didn't care. Now I do care and it's not happy any more. I don't want to care about english. So why do I? I have no reason to. Not really. It's never going to get me anywhere being good at english.

But saying rational things like this doesn't make you feel any better. Knowing I shouldn't feel the way I do has never helped me to stop feeling that way. It is just a habit humans have of trying to rationalise their lives, so they can put all their emotions and issues into little boxes and pretend that that solves everything. Pscyhology isn't learning the way people think, it is learning how to teach people to think the way they should. The easy way so that they can feel in control of their own lives. As though the control over their own lives even matters. As though in the long run their ability to put things into little boxes is going to help anything. It's not. And I am just another person trying to do exactly the same thing, trying to blame psychology for my own habits and defects in character.

"The human race is a race of cowards and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner"-Mark Twain. It is so true. I am just as bad as all the people I have labelled.

OK well apparently my dad is visiting so I had better go pretend to do work so I won't have to communicate with him. Bye

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt" - Abraham Lincoln

Hum hum. Well Extnesion Two is due on Wednesday. I'm pretty sure I'll get it finished. I hope I will. haha just kidding. I will. Interesting that I had my last proper meeting with mr Gates on friday, and he was sitting there at the end as though he was waiting for me to thank him for his help. I didn't. To be honest I don't think he did anything more than hinder me. He's just been a pain in the ass and suggested the same thing a million times which I never wanted to do! Grr!! I'll be so happy on Wednesaday, I will never have to speak to that man again, and never have to worry about whether I'm going to finish writing in time!

Anyway, off that topic... I went to Richmond today with Leah. we were meant to be seeing a movie, but I was glad that we didn't cause I didn't really want to in the first place, and just wandering around Richmond is great! Hahah I know to most people it is just a hole or whatever but I love it! We walked past the cemetary, and there were graves of people who died in the early 19th century, which meant that they were alive when Australia was founded, and moved here soon after. How weird is that? To think some of those people may have come over with the first fleet or something? Haha once again, probably not that interesting to most people, but I found it interesting anyway, so if you don't you can just stop reading now!!!

Actually everyone can stop reading now anyway. Byez!

damn this thing

i was halfway through a post and it asked me if i really wished to navigate away from the page i was on, not likely seeing as i hadn't pressed a button, so i hit cancel, and what does it do? it navigates away from the page i was on, and loses the post!!!!! GRRRR

Extension 2 is due next wednesday! AHHH!!

I think I've lost the sheet telling me what to write in my reflection statement.. bigger AHHHHH!! I'll have to get it off stephen or something.

Hmm I have Joan Osborne's song stuck in my head.. "What if God was one of us", yeah i know, not exactly a song you would imagine me having stuck in my head, but oh well. For those of you who can't remember it, or don't want to remember it, here are the lyrics :P

If God had a name what would it be?
And would you call it to his face?
If you were faced with him in all his glory
what would you ask if you had just one question?

Yeah, Yeah, God is great
Yeah, Yeah, God is good
Yeah Yeah yeah yeah yeah

What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home

If God had a face what would it look like?
And would you want to see
if seeing meant that you would have to believe
In things like heaven and Jesus and the saints and all the Prophets

Yeah Yeah God is great
Yeah Yeah God is good
Yeah Yeah yeah yeah yeah

What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home
trying to make his way home
Back up to Heaven all alone
Nobody callin' on the phone
cept for the Pope maybe in Rome

Yeah Yeah God is great
Yeah Yeah God is good
Yeah Yeah yeah yeah yeah

What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home
Just trying to make his way home
Like a holly Rolling Stone
Back up to Heaven all alone
Just trying to make his way home
Nobody callin' on the phone 'cept for the Pope maybe in Rome

Wasn't that enlightening?? Hahaha I thought so!! It was on the radio recently, and hasn't left my head since!!

hmm i should be doing extension two. tata!!

*

Hum I'm meant to be doing extension one stuff. I've done some today. I like it. It's interesting. I have a question to ask, but I don't think Hird exactly wants yet another e-mail from me, so I'm not going to ask, I'll put it in my exam and if it gets a tick I'll know it's right, it not it's wrong. Simple eh?

I had to go in for extension two today. I'm really angry cause I forgot about the ancient thing this arvo, Carolyn reminded me cause she was there too. bugger. I really need to do some ancient work, cause I have a slight suspicion I am completely screwed for that subject... Hmm. I was angry before Carolyn reminded me though (not about that funnily enough lol).. I hate going to extension two meetings. He told me again today that my story doesn't "ring true" (someone hit me if I ever say that phrase, I LOATHE it).. I'm sorry, but when I say "I know somebody who has had that", why must I explain myself any further? Nobody else seems to have any trouble believing my story.. What do I have to do? Say "Of course the damn character makes sense, it is ME.. MEEEEEEEE THE ONE SITTING IN FRONT OF YOU YOU GREAT OAF!!" lol sorry got a bit angry there.. but seriously how stupid can you get?? He's going "is there something I'm missing here".. other than a few braincells no.. I mean what sort of english teacher asks a STUDENT how to spell opportunism??? Do you really think he is fit to be an english teacher? I don't!! Why did I have to get the loser who doesn't understand his own subject? ... no that just sounds like I'm whinging (which I am, but I'll try to pretend I'm not) .. I just don't think he is a good teacher, and if it hadn't taken me so long to drop legal, and if I hadn't been so determined to drop it I would have complained about it.. Ahhh well.. only 3.5 more weeks.. Gee why doesn't that sound encouraging I wonder?? I wonder if I can finish this thing in just 3.5 more weeks? Probably not if I spend all my spare time annoying committees and writing on my blog..

Oh well, good tool for escapism anyway! I feel very smart, I'm reading lots of critical analysis essays and letters about Pride and Prejudice... they're very intelligent and intellectual (and damn good for paraphrasing and quoting)..

Next year I want to go to the gym. Maybe not next year, maybe when I get my license and a car (if that actually happens this year.. this century).. I think it will be good for my riding, and I enjoy that sort of stuff. I really miss basketball at the moment.. I love running and stuff.. I love sports generally but now I only ride (not that I'm complaining).. I just miss the other ones.. hmm.. gym is a good idea I think!! Hehehehe what fun! Anyway that is my plan, anybody want to join me? Actually no that's not a good plan, I like the idea of doing that alone. Dunno why. Anyways I should get back to feeling intelligent and stealing other people's quotes. Tata!

progress report

I am proud to say that I have started writing my essay about gratitude and thanks. Hopefully I will have it ready soon. I have also decided to enter a writing competition. I doubt I'll win, but hey, less than 3000 words isn't much if it gives me the chance to win $500 now is it? No, no it's not. Plus I've already written the story, all I have to do is edit it! Hehehehe I'm turning into such an english nerd. Actually I have a suspicion I turned into one when I chose to do extension one and two... yes possibly..

Humm that e-mail has gotten some interesting replies. Sadly I still haven't gotten one from the president of the club (who it was pretty much aimed at) so I am very disappointed. Especially because I know he has read his e-mail, cause he sent my mum one about something else yesterday. Pfft! He had better say sorry tonight at the committee meeting (my mum is there now) otherwise I'm going to be ANGRY (hahaha again!).. Speaking of the committee (damn that word has a lot of double letters), I've decided that I want to join the pony club committee next year. I can almost hear the groans of the people I sent that e-mail to. but it's ok, cause I'm never like that when I'm actually speaking to people. I have a problem expressing myself, and when I know I'm going to express myself badly I just don't say anything.. It's so much easier than getting confused.. Actually I hate that I do it, but I don't see a way of changing it.. unless I can have a little on/off switch for the part of my brain that filters what I say. Oh I can just imagine that.. people would think that I speak jibberish or something. Fun fun!

Anyway that was an unplanned topic. I've had this terrible realization lately that there are a lot of courses at uni I would really love to do. Of course I know I can't afford it, and I would never get a scholarship, and I would never get the UAI to do them (trust me to pick the ones that have UAIs of 85+).. and I wouldn't have the time to do them.. and there's other things I want to do more.. but damnit i just can't get the idea out of my head and it's driving me nuts. GRRR! I hope it's just a phase and that by the time I actually get out of school my sense will have returned. I wish it would return now. Right now. OK OK, maybe later then.

Well I should go.. hehehe here's a good quote for anyone studying Telling the Truth: "A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on"-Winston Churchill

Tata

A simple thanks will suffice

I am angry.. Change that, I was angry. I was angry yesterday, but it's carrying on into today.. which I believe is going to have a direct affect on my english mark. Ironically i think i did the best hospitality exam I've ever done. Interesting.

Anyway, my anger grew out of a lack of grateful behaviour. You see we had our pony club zone ode on sunday.. and I was appalled when at the end of the presentation, nobody got up to thank Donna, who had organized the whole thing. I personally would have except that the stupid club insists on taking photos of people in every grade, and i was in A Grade, which was being taken as everyone else was dismissed. So NOBODY thanked her.. She works her ass off for everyone and NOBODY even bothered to thank her publicly for her efforts.. Anyway, I sent a very angry e-mail.. I'll post it on here (im quite proud of it now actually)

I know half of you weren't there today, and I'm sorry for this, but I believe (according to my mum) that you are the committee, and so I think you are all the people I should be addressing this to.I have ONE complaint from today. I think it was really well organized, I think it was a fantastic event (our best ever?) but I can't just pretend I'm not really angry about this (as I'm sure you'll find out, I'm sorry if it is blunt, especially if you weren't there). I'm not blaming people because I should have done this myself when I realized it wasn't going to happen, but I didn't and for that I am sorry.

There was one person today who didn't get thanked. This was the person who (for me) would have been on the top of the list to thank. I don't know how long all of you have been at Dural (i know Brenda certainly has been there longer than me) but if you all think back to past ODEs I think you will remember a lot of dodgy things, things that didn't run well, things that weren't set up before the day, jumps that were just plain dangerous. I don't know how many of you remember all this stuff, or how many of you think of all this stuff.. But I am quite sure you all know who is responsible for it being changed, for the course being the best and safest it has ever been. I am sure you all know who was probably at the grounds maintenance first yesterday, and left last (and only had a break in between to show her horse to a buyer, then missed the next one to measure a course, for us RIDERS) I'm sure anyone can guess who was probably there last tonight, and possibly first this morning . I'm in no way saying that other people didn't work, I think everyone did a superb job... but they all got thanked for it! Even the RIDERS who made the courses, what did that take us? a few hours? one day yesterday? we didn't even have to do both ODEs and we got thanked!!! thanked, despite the fact that we get the benefit of it, despite the fact that we could only make the courses as good as they are because of the wonderful course we now have, despite the fact that we never used to have 'older riders' do the courses before the last two years. DESPITE THIS, the ONLY person who deserved thanks and didn't get it this afternoon after presentation, and the person who has run these things for the last THREE years was Donna!!!! I'm sorry, I can't just sit back and not say anything, again, I'm not blaming anyone (trust me, I'm directing this all at myself here too) and i do realize that half of you weren't there.. But i don't think I have ever been so angry about anything at pony club before... So having now had my rant and rave...

To Donna, on behalf of the riders at pony club (even though they don't know I'm writing this.. I'm sure they'd back me up on it though) THANKYOU for all the effort you have put in these last three years, THANKYOU for doing this work despite the fact that YOU could have been competing, that you could have taken Music to Camden this weekend, that you could have gone to jump club instead of all those rally days, you could have ridden your own horse yesterday, and today.. THANKYOU for all the time you have taken to make these ODEs the best Dural has ever had (as far as I'm concerned) and THANKYOU for deciding we should make the course better and safer then actually DOING SOMETHING about it. I'm sure everyone who is getting this wonderfully angry e-mail knows how much you give up to do this, and to be completely honest I hope that if not at the presentation that everyone thanked you personally (as I am doing now, if a bit late). Also, I'm sorry I didn't say anything at presentation.. I was waiting to see if someone would, and then people were dismissed while the A Graders were having their picture taken, so I am really really sorry for that. All in all, thankyou, and I can't write that as many times as I would like because i think this e-mail is already long enough, and I should be studying.

I think I've said enough, once again, I am most angry at myself, which is why I address this as a rider, because I'm sure everyone else on the committee who was there today thanked her personally, and if they didn't I am sure they will in the future.
Keira

Lol i got a leeetle bit angry.. But I was actually considering writing a speech (dont worry, I'll never say it unless i suddenly have a personality transplant) but I've always wanted to write a speech about something I feel passionately about, and this is it. I HATE it when people don't give thanks.. It just annoys me no end.. I'll post it on here when I've written it and people can tell me waht they think... I think I'll call it 'A simple thanks will suffice'.. snappy title eh? (lol if you get a chance to read the Hammy House of Horror, read it.. it's funny.. sorry just thought of it cause of the snappy title thing)

Anyways I should go. Byez