"To lose one parent...may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness"

-The Importance of Being Earnest

I'm quite annoyed at my blog right now. I have the urge to write on here, but then i dont want to write what i want to write (yes that does make sense if you're thinking the way that I am).. i think i mentioned on here that i started another blog to write what i want to write but it just isn't working for me.. I'm going to try again today, but it's the same old thing where people do exactly the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. I think people do that cause it's easier to believe that the result will change, than actually making yourself change. Either way i know what wilson means about being unhappy, but not in any particular way or for any particular reason. I mean I have a reason why i should be unhappy, but unless my mind works in strangely abstract ways i cant sense any unhappiness around that area of my thoughts.. interesting. lol im not very good at being cryptic!

Speaking of change I'm actually doing work.. I have pretty much studied for the trials (sorry wilson.. i will try to write t****s from now on) which is good I suppose.. but after getting my assignment mark for english back yesterday, and being completely disappointed.. I'm wondering if i will be able to deal with the disappointment of getting a similar mark in my trials when I've actually worked at it.. I mean I knew the assignment was bad, i wasn't expecting anything fabulous (I've always been bad at assignments) but still.. it was just crappy... and by working it means that I am actually starting to care about my results.. which worries me.. Cause while i dont work i can just blame my laziness if something is bad, but if I do work than what to I blame? Do i start just thinking I'm stupid? It worries me. I'm not saying that I'm going to get all nervous about the exams, I'm just worried about my reaction to my results. I mean the last time i put work in and still did shittily in something i just gave up for about a year. Actually wait.. I've still given up. Hmmm interesting thought... Of course there was the time when i worked really hard and got the marks that i wanted, but not the result (moving classes) and then i also just gave up and purposely did no work and got really bad marks for the rest of the year..

Interesting thought. Other interesting thought is what am I going to do with all these notes when I finish.. I mean it seems like a bit of a waste to just throw them away, I've spent hours on the damn things.. It seems like a bit of a waste me not going to uni too, but that's not going to change my mind on the subject. *sigh* what to do? maybe i could tutor people? but i hate kids, and im no good at school myself, so why would people want to learn from me? hmmm crazy.. i think it would be good, but then i think that it wouldn't... gar stop it! i know what i want to do, im doing it, if it means ive wasted time and paper and effort this year that's just too bad, it's my parents fault (amazing how easy it is to blame stuff on other people)..

I'm reading Lucky Man again.. It's Michael J. Fox's autobiography, mainly about what happened with his Parkinson's Disease etc...It's really well written and I just love it. He was talking about the five stages of loss ms. Kubler-Ross came up with... denial/isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.. i hate looking at those five steps.. i mean how can you make something like grief or whatever predictable? Surely you would expect something like that to be the most unpredictable thing ever... but it's not. Strangely, i dont think it just limits itself to loss, i mean i have that string of reactions to a lot of things, not just people dying or whatever... actually i dont think i have ever had that reaction to people dying.. odd aint it? I think I went through all those stages when thinking about leaving school at the end of year ten, and realizing that I wouldn't be able to (well actually i only realized after the denial stage, but still) Ah well enough talking about ms. Kubler-Ross' theory!

ooo he even has a quote at the beginning of the book... "In accumulating property for ourselves or our prosterity, in founding a family or a state, or acquiring fame even, we are mortal; but in dealing with truth we are immortal, and need fear no change nor accident" - Henry David Thoreau... wow sounds like something for the frontline module at school lol! I'm going to write it in my quote book.. I have a fetish for quotes at the moment.. I'm using a lot of them in my extension two.. I think they're quite good..

What i was actually planning on saying in the last paragraph before I found the quote, was how much I like the opening paragraph of Lucky Man... "I woke up to find the message in my left hand. It had me trembling. It wasnt a fax, telegram, memo, or the usual sort of missive bringing distrubing news. In fact my hand held nothing at all. The trembling was the message." hehehe don't you think it's great?? I do.

Hum hum i've run out of useless things to write about.. ive read harry potter now, and im very angry at it... ok im going to go write something usefull on my other blog, tata

speaking vs. writing

It's funny, I started this thing because I can always say things better when I write them than when I say them. I'm not a very "tell everyone every detail of your life" sort of person, and while that doesn't bother me most of the time, occasionally it does. Like lately I've been wanting to tell someone some of the stuff I've been thinking, but they'll get the wrong idea.. because as I've said, I'm not very good at expressing myself (which is pretty clear from this blog).. Like anyone that I've told about some of the stuff with my parents immediately go all sympathetic on me, I don't want anybody's sympathy.. I just wanted to say it (or I didn't but ended up having to anyway).. and if I say other stuff I'm worried that people will go all sympathetic on me again, and not realize that I'm not sad, I'm not depressed, it really doesn't bother me in any significant way, except that nobody else knows about it... Maybe it's the case of knowing you're not allowed to do something so it's the first thing you want to do. I know this is an awful way of writing it because it sounds like one of those attention seeking "please ask me what I mean" things, well it's not, please don't ask. It's just what I'm thinking, and sadly starting another blog so I could write exactly what I was thinking and actually express it to people (who conveniently don't know me) was highly unsuccessful, cause it doesn't feel like I've said anything at all.

It's also ironic that I've tried to put some of the stuff I'm thinking, or some of the things that are happening to me at the moment into my extension 2, and every time i do, mr gates says it's not realistic enough and I should get rid of it.. so I do.. but it poses an interesting question, if it's not realistic in a fictional story, then is my life just unrealistic? I don't think so. Am I so unrealistic that the things that I say sound absurd? Maybe they do, but nobody has ever told me, and if they do sound absurd, but I've said them, then surely they are realistic? It was the whole battle with my concept in the first place.. I was my concept, but Gates told me that it's not realistic, that I "appear to be having difficulty working out the reactions the character would have to this situation".. what's wrong with my reactions? Come on, I'm reasonably sure I'm not a figment of my own imagination, and I'm fairly sure that what's happening to me does exist, and that my reactions to it aren't manufactured, so what part of it is unrealistic?

Gar that annoys me. You try and write something with meaning and people tell you it doesn't make sense, it doesn't sound "true" enough. How much more true can it get? If I published an autobiography (gee that would be a good read) would someone consider that fiction, because what I say is just so beyond the capacity of anyone's imagination? I hope not! Arg I should go, this is just pissing me off now. Byez

accomplishments!

Well I'm proud to say that I have accomplished something these holidays, and they're not over yet! I finished work experience today and although it was the biggest waste of time i think I have ever encountered outside legal studies..... i finished, and never complained about it while i was there! Having said that she still said that I was crap (well pretty much) on the report thing so it became even more pointless! Oh well! It's over..
I also did ALL my maths study tonight.. it didn't take that long amazingly enough.. Not quite so amazing is that I discovered my teacher has simply been copying things out of the text book the whole time.. Also not so amazing is that I learnt more tonight from the text book than I have all term from the teacher, and now I think I understand how to do some of the stuff we are meant to know.. So there is an accomplishment..

I have also finished studying King Lear, and once I find another related text I will have finished studying imaginative journeys... I should have In the Wild done by wednesday, then I'll spend thursday on my ancient assignment.. friday on my extension 2 and the report for that, saturday on hospitality study and assignment and somewhere in there I will do extension one and then I will be finished!! WOOO!! go me!!! I am the greatest!!! WHHHOOOO!!!

Lol I know it seems stupid that I'm doing so much work for school.. But I spose I have to "pay" for competing during the HSC somehow, and as far as I can see, this is it.. After this I will only have a tiny bit of study, one assignment, then do the HSC and school is OVER!!!! YAY!!! PARTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY TIMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEE!!!!!

HAHAHAHHAHAHA IM SO HAPPY!!! hahahahahahahhahahahahaha.. lol it sounds like im drunk or something.. haha im high on the end of school! yippee!!!! lol anyways better go! Tata!!!

Steph vs. Steph

Just thought i should clarify.. in my last post i said "according to steph..." that's not stephy steph, it's a different one.. forgot how many stephs there are!!
anyways back to schoolwork, tata!

Holidays...hm do i bother calling them that?

They are hardly holidays.. I've been at school two days so far, at work experience for three.. so I have another five days at school and another two days of work experience. Funnnn!

Funnily enough I was going to come on here and have a bitch about school (I'm doing a practice essay at the moment, so it seemed relevant), but I'm much more intrigued by an e-mail that happened to be open on the screen when I walked in here. It is quite possible (OK, I'll admit it.. I'm sure) that it is meant to be private, but when you leave something up on the screen, and the subject of the e-mail is "apology" and it is from a family friend whom you know your mum is not happy with.....................





well............................



..................... you can guess that I read it! It's also quite possible that I shouldn't be writing this on here, but my mother always has someone to complain to, without any guilt on her part, yet I tell someone something and it should remain "within the family"... well screw that! Does that mean I'm only allowed to tell this stuff to my cousins? Yay, I'm sure a five year old would love to hear about my dad's affair. Interesting thing is that I only got the chance to read it cause my grandmother came back today, so naturally it is a "have a whinge" session, which I just don't get involved in, and so I've been sitting in here like a good litte student doing a practice essay on imaginative journeys. Anyway, the part about this that annoys me is that now I'm wondering when my mother was going to tell me about it? I mean surely it's going to be fairly obvious that something has happened, when she is now "no longer friends" with a person whom I have been told to be friendly to for years.

To give you the idea what I'm going on about here, I will paste some of the e-mail in here (it would be odd if one of them read it eh? I'll change the names, just to make it a little more anonymous...

"Firstly, it is a very sincere apology - I am so sorry that what I have done means that I must lose your friendship, that you feel that I have betrayed you and that you have been hurt. But while I am truly sorry about the consequences, I would be lying if I said I wished it had never happened. Cannot explain how arid and lonely I have found the last 11 years. If I had a choice, then of course I would wish that the first opportunity to arise after all that time did not involve a friend's estranged husband. But it did."

Naturally at this point I was absolutely intrigued by the e-mail.. and even though it's private I couldn't help but read it.. I mean lets face it, my mum is not one of those people you call "open" or "up-front".. So if not for the e-mail I probably never would have heard about this.. Basically the idea is that this family friend "had some fun" with my father and now my mother has decided to be a very mature person and never speak to her again. Nothing like escapism is there? Personally I think it is a very good apology, and sounds very reasonable to me, actually I was quite proud of her use of the word 'arid' in there! My mother obviously doesn't share this view.

The other interesting point is that my mother seems to believe that my father is suicidal or something... I highly doubt that! I mean this is a man that believes the world was first hatched out of his ass and now revolves around him in it's eternal gratitude, and shall simply end when he dies! So the likelihood of him wishing to end this wonderful thing he has created is rather small.. something like one in 999999999999999999999999999999999999999! or maybe a bit less!!

The other funny thing is listening to them at the moment.. They are discussing whether my mother should tell me or not. Ironic. Very ironic. Apparently my grandmother has asked her friend who is a psychologist, who has recommended that my mother don't tell me. I wonder why? Am I meant to be upset? Maybe I am emotionally scarred without realising it?

Anyway, as much as I would love to go on about this new discovery, my mother is no longer crying in the next room, so i figure I only have about another ten minutes of piece before they get through the hugs and the "oh well, nobody said life was easy" talk and my grandmother goes home... So I guess I just want to express my amazement.. I mean sure, I knew that my father was a man-whore, but I didn't actually see that happening, cause the family friend is cool, and she could do so much better than my father!!!!

The only thing that annoys me in all this i guess i the way that my mother calls me and my father immature.. but what could be more immature than refusing to speak to a person who has been their friend for years? How could you be more immature than to not tell your own daughter? What could be more immature than to cry to every single person you talk to and assume that nothing is worse than what you are going through? What can be more immature than expecting your child to look after you every time you think you are going to fall apart? I don't think I'm that immature!! Maybe I am, but if someone accused me of doing what she is I would be offended. I think people need to have some pride in themselves... maybe im just emotionally dead and that's why i don't care about all this (according to Steph I should be highly traumatized like her, and not want to get back my history assignment because of the terrible memories it evokes in me?!?!) but really im just annoyed at how immature both of my parents are!!

Gotta go bye!