And the bad news parade marches on...

So, on Sunday I was meant to go to Jasha's leaving thing... I didn't. I didn't even call. I'm sorry.

On Sunday morning my horse died. Darcy, the horse I had for 5 and a half years. The horse I owe everything to. He took me from pony club to one* eventing... He taught me how to fall off (many times)... he taught me how to stay on (hopefully a few more times than the former)... He was the love of my life. The first moment I saw him we 'clicked'.

He was a super talented jumper. We did a high-jump competition as the lunch-time entertainment at the world cup polo game last year and we came fourth, jumping 1.35m! He was only little but he had so much heart, and talent, and attitude.

I had him all that time, and on the morning I was told that he'd died I couldn't see him because of this equine influenza. Because I work for Sandy I couldn't go to the place where I keep him. He tested positive for EI, and it would mean I would infect all of the horses at Sandy's. If you heard the reports on the news that a horse died from it in Wilberforce, that's him. He had to go out with a bang, and he did.

I think I actually know what it means to have a broken heart... first Zeus and now this, all in the space of a week. I've never cried so much in my life and it's not getting any better. When I don't cry I'm just numb, I can't think of anything. I've been hopeless at my job because I'm just going on instinct, I don't notice things, I don't think about what I'm doing. I just can't. I just so want for this year to be over. I'm tired of bad news, and with all competitions cancelled and all horses in lock-down I don't exactly have much to look forward to.

I don't know why I'm writing this on the net for everyone to read, considering that I can't even speak to people at the moment... but I guess that's the amazing ability of blogger.

Zeus - my favourite horse

There was this horse at work, Zeus. Some idiot bought him off the track (off the racetrack...as in he was a racehorse) and sent him to us (me and Sandy) to train, so he could ride him occassionally on the weekends because he's going through a mid-life crisis and thinks this is what he wants to do or something. Now usually, buying a horse off the track means that you are buying a nutcase- these horses are taught nothing except how to run, and run fast. Most break down, end up at the knackers, if they don't a lot of them become so nervous and scared that you just can't work with them. A few will end up being great if they have the right rider, but I have NEVER seen one that is suitable for a beginner, it always ends in disaster. He bought this horse knowing nothing about them, and after working with it for a while it turns out that this is one of the sweetest most lovely horses you could find. The racing had done nothing to his brain and he was just an angel, anything you asked him to do he would just try his little heart out for you.

He didn't look like a racehorse, actually he looked more like an overgrown shetland pony. I'll post a photo of him when I have my laptop hooked up to the net (cause it's the one with the photos on it).

Sandy was in the city yesterday, and I brought Zeus and Fuji (the other horse this guy bought) up to ride them. I saddled Fuji first cause I hate riding him and use Zeus as my incentive to just get it over and done with. Zeus was trying to eat grass under the rail that we tie them to, and I told him off, cause if they hit their head they get scared and can hurt themselves. I walked two metres away and he moved forward and started eating grass again. I yelled at him and he pulled back (they run backwards and then when they realise they are tied up they pull against it, cause they don't like having their heads restrained, which is why we tie them to string so it will break and they won't hurt themselves). The string broke but he reared and his back legs slipped in the mud. He flipped over. He tried to get up but he couldn't. I thought his leg must have been broken so I was talking to him to try and get him to calm down. I walked over to him and he was still thrashing, then he stopped but there was blood pouring out of his nose. Like pouring. Like litres of it. I called the vet and then sandy who didn't answer. One of the clients drove up and came running over and she called sandy who answered this time.

He died. He had hit his head on the ground so hard that a bit of bone had gone into his brain. He was lying there for ages. The vet came and gave him a sedative and a drip and said that sometimes they bounce back from it, even though we knew he wouldn't. We had to wait till Sandy got back because she couldn't get in touch with the owner who wasn't answering his phone. The horse wasn't in any pain, he was basically unconscious, although he still sometimes reacted to us. He had to wait there for nearly 5 hours so that a guy who knew nothing about horses, and hadn't even seen his horse since it had been with us (since DECEMBER) could make a decision about whether we could put him down or not.

I feel like shit. I spent pretty much the whole day yesterday (this happened at about 11:30) crying and all of last night having dreams about it, and today I just want to cry. I want to scream and cry and get angry and have people stop telling me it's not my fault. For one they weren't there, and for another thing, nothing anyone says is going to make me believe its not my fault.

I loved that horse as much as my own horse. I used to imagine that if I ever had the money I would buy him off his stupid owner. It was my favourite horse in the whole place and I killed it because I was in a bad mood that day and overreacted to something completely stupid, just cause it was irritating me.

He was six. He'd hardly even had a life and now he's dead. It's such a stupid stupid stupid waste and I just don't know what to do. It's more than grief, and more than guilt. I just can't stop crying, and it wasn't even my own horse. People keep asking if I'm ok and I keep saying no. For once in my life I'm actually being honest about how I feel. I feel like shit. If anyone has seen that movie 'Little Miss Sunshine' - wanna run down that hill and scream and scream and scream. I want someone to get angry at me and tell me I'm a horrible person and stop feeling sorry for me. I don't deserve it. Zeus deserves peoples' pity.

Anyway that's what's happening with me. I've finally gotten back to being able to sleep normally after Sandy's fall and now this happens. At this rate I'm not going to sleep for the rest of the year. Sandy reckons that we've had our share of bad luck and it should move on to someone else now. Only this wasn't bad luck, this was stupidity.

Hate me, I deserve it.